Mon June 23, 2014
Sandwich Monday: Burger King's Extra Long Cheeseburger
Past innovations in sandwich architecture have largely focused on height: the Big Mac, the Windows 7 Whopper, Dubai's 2,717-foot-tall Burg Dubai.
Finally, someone is thinking horizontally. Burger King has unveiled the Extra Long BBQ Cheeseburger. It's two beef patties and onion rings on a long roll.
Seth: This is great because I was really hoping to play a game of pickup after work. Wait ... that's not a football?
Ian: It's a tandem beefcycle!
Miles: They should just call it the "Extended Misery Burger."
Eva: Do these patties share a secret language, like other twins?
Peter: I was hoping for a longaberger, which would be an overpriced wicker basket on a long bun.
Ian: Hold on, I have to look that joke up ... OK, it's funny.
Miles: I'd rather eat this than Burger King's Long Pig Burger.
Ian: As long as you eat this in 2-D, it's the same number of calories as a regular burger.
Eva: This is probably just the result of a pink slime machine malfunction.
Miles: Are we sure this isn't just a burger someone sat on?
Peter: I want a burger so long I can be eating one end while the other is still being reconstituted in the Burger King extruders.
Ari: Burger King can't call something long just because it put two of them side by side! That's like putting the Olsen twins side by side and saying it's an average body weight.
Ian: It bothers me how Robert keeps referring to this burger as "the twins."
Miles: This burger is perfect for me because recently I've been eating for two. Oh, I'm not pregnant; I'm just a glutton.
[The verdict: As longtime fans of this sandwich's shape-mate, the Burger King chicken sandwich, we had high hopes. But while it did take longer to eat, it wasn't more delicious. It's as if the same amount of deliciousness was spread out over a larger area.]
Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait, Wait ... Don't Tell Me!