If And Only If

Jun 30, 2017

What do mastiffs, bailiffs, and chiffon all have in common? The letters I-F-F, of course! For this final round, every answer will contain those letters in consecutive order.

Heard On Betty Gilpin: GLOW-ing Faces

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OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

Now it's time to crown our big winner. Let's bring back our finalists, Samuel Grigsby, who uses spreadsheets to save refugees...

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: ...And Rachel Martin, whose dad writes Civil War erotica.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Puzzle guru Cecil Baldwin, take it away.

CECIL BALDWIN: Samuel and Rachel, your final round is called "If And Only If." In this round, every clue is a symbolic logic puzzle. Just kidding.

(LAUGHTER)

BALDWIN: In this round, each answer contains the consecutive letters I-F-F. For example, if I asked you for the 28th most popular dog breed according to the American Kennel Club, you would answer mastiff. The contestant who scores the most points will be our big winner. Your prize is an ASK ME ANOTHER Rubik's Cube signed by Betty Gilpin, and we'll give you your very own wrestling name. We rolled a 20-sided die backstage, and Samuel is going first. Here we go. Samuel, an ending to a story that leaves you in suspense.

SAMUEL GRIGSBY: Cliffhanger.

BALDWIN: Correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF DING)

BALDWIN: Rachel, a tax paid on imports and exports.

RACHEL MARTIN: Tariff.

BALDWIN: Correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF DING)

BALDWIN: Samuel, the official in a court of law who makes sure no one gets unruly.

GRIGSBY: Bailiff.

BALDWIN: Correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF DING)

BALDWIN: Rachel, a mythical creature that, according to J.K. Rowling's Pottermore website, is half-eagle, half-horse, immensely proud and extremely dangerous. Three seconds.

MARTIN: I don't know.

(SOUNDBITE OF BUZZER)

BALDWIN: Oh, I'm sorry. The answer is Hippogriff. Samuel, Harry S. Truman's occupation in "Twin Peaks."

GRIGSBY: Oh, God.

BALDWIN: Three seconds.

GRIGSBY: It's on all the social media. No TV.

(SOUNDBITE OF BUZZER)

BALDWIN: I'm sorry. The answer is sheriff. Rachel, this aromatherapy tool disseminates natural plant fragrances into the air.

MARTIN: Diffuser?

BALDWIN: Correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF DING)

BALDWIN: Samuel, another word for the pope.

GRIGSBY: Pontiff.

BALDWIN: Correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

BALDWIN: Rachel, a light, sheer fabric.

MARTIN: Chiffon.

BALDWIN: Correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF DING)

BALDWIN: All right. We're at the halfway point, and the score is tied at three points each. Samuel, science term for what happens when light waves pass through a narrow opening or hit the edges of an obstacle. Three seconds.

GRIGSBY: Diffraction.

BALDWIN: Correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF DING)

BALDWIN: Rachel, in calculus it represents the principal part of the change in a function.

MARTIN: A differential.

BALDWIN: Correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF DING)

BALDWIN: Samuel, Donald Trump's youngest daughter.

(LAUGHTER)

GRIGSBY: Tiffany.

BALDWIN: Correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF DING)

BALDWIN: Rachel, popcorn brand that comes in a disposable pan.

MARTIN: Jiffy Pop.

BALDWIN: Correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF DING)

BALDWIN: Samuel, a lightweight version of baseball.

GRIGSBY: Wiffle ball.

BALDWIN: Correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF DING)

BALDWIN: Rachel, a brand of study guides popular among high school English students.

MARTIN: CliffNotes.

BALDWIN: Correct.

(SOUNDBITE OF DING)

BALDWIN: All right. We're on the last question. The score is tied. Samuel, she played Catwoman in "Batman Returns."

GRIGSBY: Oh, God.

BALDWIN: Three seconds.

(SOUNDBITE OF BUZZER)

BALDWIN: The answer is Michelle Pfeiffer. All right, this is the last question. Rachel, if you answer this question correctly, you win. LA Clippers player who was chosen first overall in the 2009 NBA draft. Three seconds.

MARTIN: The only one I know is Kobe Bryant.

(LAUGHTER)

MARTIN: And that does not have an I-F-F (laughter)

BALDWIN: The answer is Blake Griffin. All right. We are tied up. It's time for a tiebreaker. Hands on buzzers. The area of the body that crop tops are designed to show off.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

BALDWIN: Samuel.

GRIGSBY: Midriff.

BALDWIN: That is correct. Samuel, you won.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Congratulations, Samuel - or should I say - Princess Puzzle Pounder. Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: That's our show. ASK ME ANOTHER's puzzle guru is Cecil Baldwin.

BALDWIN: Hey, my name anagrams to blind ice claw.

EISENBERG: Our guest musician is Julian Velard.

BALDWIN: Naive dull jar.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Our puzzles were written by Juan Escalante, Eric Feinstein (ph), Jack Leckner (ph), Carol Lee and Camila Salazar. Our senior supervising producer is Art Chung. ASK ME ANOTHER's produced by Mike Katzif, Travis Larchuk, Julia Melfi, Danny Shin, Rommel Wood and our intern, Kurt Van Zandt (ph), along with Steve Nelson and Anya Grundmann. We were recorded by Damon Whittemore, Noriko Okabe and David Hurtgen. ASK ME ANOTHER was created by Eric Nuzum and Jesse Baker. We'd like to thank our home in Brooklyn, N.Y., The Bell House...

BALDWIN: Hot heel blues.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: ...And our production partner, WNYC. I'm her ripe begonias.

BALDWIN: Ophira Eisenberg.

EISENBERG: And this was ASK ME ANOTHER from NPR.

(APPLAUSE) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.